I had my post for last week all written and ready to go. I decided to let it sit over night because I thought it might be a little long and if I reviewed it the next day, I might have some edits to make to it to hopefully make it better. As you might have noticed, it didn’t get posted last week.
The next morning, as I was getting ready for the day, I woke the birds up, as usual. Except not. I may have mentioned that one of my birds is a pretty little hybrid with a lot of health issues. The latest, diagnosed in August and the one likely to be the cause of her demise, was arthritis. In the type of birds I have, it’s a fatal disease as I understand it. I understand part of why it’s fatal and I’m not totally clear on the rest of it. Since I don’t want to take the time to look it up and then explain it here, I’ll just move on.
I went to get Coco up and she was uncharacteristically sitting on the floor of her cage. For her, first thing in the morning, this is unusual. And that was not to be the only unusual behavior. From not taking snack as she usually does, to not balancing well, to just wanting to snuggle. All not normal for her. I spent much longer that morning than I routinely do, just holding her. I couldn’t seem to get her to let me put her down. Though I was able to finally get her comfortable enough that I could go to the day job, this defined what the rest of my week would look like when home. Lots of extra love and care and cuddle for the little bird. By Friday, I knew she wouldn’t last the weekend.
As I was holding her on Friday, and trying to get some things done, I was hit with the understanding of how much time and effort I had been putting in, not just that week, since August, into making her comfortable and giving her the best care I could. It was a revelation because I have been struggling to figure out where my motivation, or enthusiasm, and get it done-ness had gone. I wasn’t depressed that I knew of. I hadn’t lost interest in all the stuff I’d been working on. I hadn’t found new shiny squirrels to chase and distract me from things. I just couldn’t figure it out. Until I sat there, with her sleeping in a box next to me, while I tried to get some paperwork done.
I had intended to stop at a new gym to check it out, go to the hardware store for some paint supplies to finish the wall in the dining room and to maybe even paint that wall, all after I got home from the day job on Friday. None of it got done because my first thought was to check on her and take care of her. And this had been going on essentially since August or September.
Now I know where all that time, physical energy, emotional energy, and such went. I didn’t lose motivation or interest. It was all being channeled into the care of this little bird. Not everyone has the view of their non-human companions that my family does. They are part of the family. And so they get the same level of care, if possible as anyone else. I rather embarrassedly admitted to a co-worker that I’m a softy. And this burly, bearded, no nonsense man said the kindest thing to me in response. When I said I’m a softy he said ‘if you’re not you shouldn’t have pets.’ And he proceeded to show me a picture of his cat that had decided she needed to curl up on his chest for a cuddle.
The story for the bird ends as you imagine. She passed early Saturday morning. I don’t regret the time I spent caring for her. I would do the same again. As I have done before. That’s who I am. Hopefully, I will recognize sooner the choice I am making and be a little kinder to myself as so many of the things I intend to do don’t happen. Or don’t happen in the time I expect. Or progress made seems to slip a little or I find myself without the
energy to engage in things I want to do. It takes a lot of energy to care of another being. It takes a lot of time. It changes your life. It’s easy enough to slip into. It’s coming out the other side that can be disorienting.
Coco was part of my family for about 20 years. Her presence was just as significant as another human being and so her absence is as significant. Not having her around is taking some adjustment. Suddenly having my routine altered is a bit of a shock. I still have a bird to take care of but he’s an independent and fussy creature who may out live us all if we don’t tell him he’s older than dirt for his breed. Even though he needs a little extra care and attention as he adjusts to his new reality with part of his flock missing, he is minimally tolerant of his bedtime being delayed or lots of extra cuddle time. That means that I too get to adjust to a new reality of a changed routine and time and energy that can be redirected into other things.
I am hopeful. I do intend to post what I wrote last week, though it will need a bit of editing now. We also had a Blues Jam that had some electrifying moments that should be worth sharing. And as usual, there’s video. So there’s good stuff to come and the possibility of it happening in a more timely fashion.
You know, my experience was with a small bird and for just a few months. And without realizing it, it turned my world upside down. I can only imagine what it must be like to care for another human being with many more and more complicated needs. Whether it be for a few months or several years. It takes more than we realize. So if you know someone in that care giver role, if they are caring for a person or an ailing pet, be kind, be patient, and be a friend.
I’m sharing some pictures of the birds. I hope you enjoy them.